Today I woke up to some awful news that made me cry tears I didn’t know what to do with or where to put. Where do we put the emotion that erupts when life gets a bit too much to take? How do we wear them so as not to seem shallow or fake? When the world around us has gone crazy where can I put my tears cried for someone I knew such a long time ago?

The first time I realised that emotion was something I could never control was when I cried in a different language. The tears ran down my face and I wasn’t even sure why. The words that I could only grasp on the surface  had touched a place inside me that I immediately understood was a domain I could never completely comprehend even though it lived inside of me.

Something similar happened this morning. After being told of the passing of a person I was once friends with my body at first froze. Once the news sunk in the tears began to fall. I hadn’t seen or spoken to this person for so many years but all I could see was her shining smile, her big white teeth and her cheeky eyes. Although so much time had passed since we had last spoken she is someone who finds her way into my head more often than she will ever know. Just a few weeks ago I was cleaning out my cupboard and came across a shrunken brown Bonds t-shirt. I don’t remember why but it reminded me of Danya and so I kept it. Now it seems like such a strange thing to have happened. And now that will become my little piece of her. The t-shirt that conjures up memories of call centres, laughs and silly conversations.

I carried tears around with me all day today.  I carried them for the fact I hadn’t spoken to her in such a long time. I carried them for the fact I didn’t know she was suffering. I carried them for all the other lost connections my life has been a part of. I carried them for all the connections I might still lose for no particular reason other than we all have so much to be busy with we get lost in our own busyness and forget to take people with us on our journey. I carried them because even though we know that life is too short – so many people repeat that phrase so often – we still spend too much time worrying about the details that won’t matter.

So I decided to put my tears here on this page. There is nothing I can do for Danya any more. There is no way I can even say goodbye and tell her she was often in my thoughts. I can’t tell her that she’s one of those special people who walk into a life and leave a mark, because not everyone does. I can’t tell her how sorry I am. All I can do is write these words and remind myself of the beautiful people I have around me who I will try to hold on to and carry with me for as far as I can take them.  My tears today did make me feel uncomfortable at times. In any event they came from a real place inside me, where all the messiness piles up to be sorted. And although I can’t quite find a place for them yet, putting them here to breathe for a while feels really good.